Skulduggery Fowl & Artemis pleasant
by Kyritus Snow
Summary: Opal kills commander  Trouble Kelp, Holly is named temporary commander and with the help of the SP gang set out to recapture Opal.
1. Chapter 1

This is a script I co-wrote with MissBliss8527 that we were thinking of making a play off. The play will probably never happen but we thought we would post this on FF any way.

Disclaimer: We do not own Skulduggery Pleasant or Artemis Fowl in any way, shape or form they belong to Derek Land and Eion Colfer respectively.

Revised: 13/8/2012

Revised note: I would like to thank all of the people that have reviewed, followed or favourited this story. At the moment I am only revising but am not sure if there will be any new chapters. I will do my best to write some though.

Scene 1

_Holly is tied up in a chair. She is unconscious, and Valkyrie and Tanith are watching her. Holly stirs._

**TANITH**: She's waking up!

**VALKYRIE**: You said that ten minutes ago, and when we looked she was _still_ unconscious.

**TANITH**: She really is this time!

**HOLLY**: Who are you people?

**TANITH**: See?

**VALKYRIE**: I owe you an apology Tanith. (pauses)

**TANITH**: I'm waiting.

**VALKYRIE**: I said I _owed_ you one, not that I was going to give you one.

**TANITH**: (laughs) Didn't your parents ever teach you manners?

**VALKYRIE**: They did, I didn't listen.

**HOLLY**: Hello? Are you even listening to me?

**TANITH AND VALKYRIE**: No.

**HOLLY**: Well start!

_Skulduggery walks in, with his facade on, and sees Holly is awake._

**SKULDUGGERY**: (To Holly) Hello. (To Valkyrie and Tanith) Have you questioned our guest yet?

**TANITH AND VALKYRIE**: (look at each other then at Skulduggery) No. (Bursts out laughing)

**SKULDUGGERY**: (glares at them then turns to Holly) Well since my two incompetent companions haven't got around to questioning you yet, I'll have to do it myself.

**TANITH**: Thank… Hey!

**VALKYRIE**: We're not incompetent!

**SKULDUGGERY**: Of course you are. Now let me interrogate our guest in peace.

**SKULDUGGERY**: (To Holly) Why were you trying to get into room Number 24 in the Midnight Hotel?

**HOLLY**: (glares without speaking)

**SKULDUGGERY**: Were you working alone?

**HOLLY**: (glares)

**SKULDUGGERY**: You can't stay silent forever.

**HOLLY**: (raises an eyebrow sceptically)

**SKULDUGGERY**: (sighs) Tanith, Valkyrie, keep watch.

_Skulduggery leaves._

**TANITH**: Why do we _always_ get babysitting duty? (glances at Holly) No offence.

**HOLLY**: (Struggles not to laugh)


	2. Chapter 2

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 2

_Foaly stares at the screen in horror. (Show video clip {out of Holly's helmet}) _

_[Steel door with the number 24. Noise. Camera turns. Blackness.]_

_Foaly looks worried before rushing out the room._

**FOALY**: Commander Kelp, sir, Commander Kelp, Holly has been taken captive!

_The chair swivels to show Mulch Diggums, in the middle of eating a giant cookie._

**FOALY**: (stares in disbelief)_ Mulch?!_

**MULCH**: Let me guess. You are in need of my amazing talents and you are going on a suicide mission to rescue Holly?

**FOALY**: Iwasn't going on it, I was going to ask Commander Kelp! (_Jokingly_) I hope you didn't eat him.

**MULCH**: Oh no, elves are way too bony, and bad for the digestion.

**FOALY**: (Stares in disbelief and horror.) So where _is_ the Commander?

**MULCH**: Atlantis called him away for an important meeting. I decided to take charge of eating his lunch for him.

**FOALY**: Where did the Commander get a giant cookie?

**MULCH**: I don't know, but it tastes better than your lunch.

_Camera zooms in on a half eaten salad._

**FOALY**: You ate my lunch!?

**MULCH**: Not really, it tasted too bad to finish.

**FOALY**: Fine whatever (scowls) who's going to save Holly then?

**MULCH**: Why don't you call in that charming Mud Boy Holly likes so much? (suggestive wink) And if you ask me, it's a bit more than _like_.


	3. Chapter 3

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 3

_Artemis is furious at Myles for ruining his project._

**ARTEMIS**: Myles, that experiment took me _one whole week_ to create, and it cost six years worth of your pocket money!

**MYLES**: Sorry Arty. (looks ashamed.)

**ARTEMIS**: You should be!

**ANGELINA FOWL**: (calls from upstairs) Arty, don't be to hard on your brother.

**ARTEMIS**: Of course Mother. Sorry Mother.

_Artemis's phone buzzes._

**ARTEMIS**: We'll finish this later, Myles.

_Artemis walks away from Myles and answers his phone._

**FOALY**: (over phone) Artemis! Holly has been captured by unknown humans somewhere in Ireland.

**ARTEMIS**: (slightly annoyed) I would have thought she would have learnt from the time that _I_ kidnapped her.

**FOALY**: You can't help getting yourself kidnapped.

**ARTEMIS**: Where abouts is she? Do you have a locator on her?

**FOALY**: (Offended) of course I do!

**ARTEMIS**: Well where is she?

**FOALY**: (pause as he checks) Number 2, Cemetery Road, Dublin.

**ARTEMIS**: I'll just make up some excuse and then I'll go straight there.

**FOALY**: Some backup should be arriving any minute.

**ARTEMIS**: (hopefully but slightly mocking) is it five highly trained fairies by any chance?

**FOALY**: Well... no.

**ARTEMIS**: Who is it?

**FOALY**: Well just a certain kleptomaniac dwarf...

**ARTEMIS**: Oh no... You sent _Mulch _as backup?!

**MULCH**: (Popping up behind Artemis) you seem upset.

**ARTEMIS**: (Annoyed) Foaly, I'll speak to you later.

_Artemis hangs up, and turns slowly to face Mulch._

**MULCH**: (waves) Hi. Do you have any food? (rubs tummy) Tunnelling really makes you hungry.

**ARTEMIS**: (scowling slightly) what did Foaly give you to help me?

**MULCH**: Only a year's worth of Tim Tams.

**ARTEMIS**: and where's he going to get those from?

**MULCH**: He said you would hack into the Arnott's Biscuit site and change it so that I win.

**ARTEMIS**: _WHAT?!_

**MULCH**: How about if I asked nicely?

**ARTEMIS**: No.

**MULCH**: How about if I said I won't help you get Holly back?

**ARTEMIS**: How about if I said I would call Butler?

**MULCH**: Remember what happened last time he came up against me?

**ARTEMIS**: He'd wear a gas mask.

**MULCH**: That wouldn't stop my amazing powers.

**ARTEMIS**: Fine, I'll do it, _after_ we get back.

**MULCH**: Deal.

**ARTEMIS**: Just let me get Butler and we'll be on our way (starts to bring out phone).


	4. Chapter 4

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 4

_Tanith and Valkyrie are amusing themselves while pretending to be watching Holly. Tanith is playing with Holly's helmet and Valkyrie is practising elemental magic. Holly has almost succeeded in getting free._

**TANITH**: Do you think I would be in trouble if I left?

**VALKYRIE**: No, but I would be.

**TANITH**: That's why I said _I_, not _we_.

**VALKYRIE**: Would you really leave without me? (Puppy dog eyes) This cuteness?

**TANITH**: Yes I would. I heard another troll moved in under the London Bridge.

(Singing)

_London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down,_

_London Bridge is falling down, cause there's a troll beneath._

_London Bridge is staying up, staying up, staying up,_

_London Bridge is staying up, cause Tanith killed the troll._

**VALKYRIE**: (Laughs)

**SKULDUGGERY**: You're supposed to be watching our guest, not making up silly songs.

**TANITH**: (mock offended) that was the best song I've ever made!

**SKULDUGGERY**: (impassively) your songs must be very bad then.

**TANITH**: (mutters) Meany.

**VALKYRIE**: We're supposed to be watching the prisoner, not listen to you jabber. PS, our guest is escaping.

**TANITH AND SKULDUGGERY**: _WHAT?!_

**VALKYRIE**: Our guest is escaping.

_Tanith, Valkyrie and Skulduggery turn to see Holly running out the door._

_Valkyrie pulls out her phone and hits fast dial._

**VALKYRIE**: Fletcher, she escaped. We're at Skulduggery's.

_Valkyrie hangs up and puts phone away. Fletcher appears._

**FLETCHER**: Where?

**VALKYRIE**: (thinks for a second) the next street over.

_Fletcher grabs Valkyrie's arm and they disappear._


	5. Chapter 5

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 5

_Artemis and Butler are walking up Cemetery Street._

**BUTLER**: (kicks the door open.)

**MULCH**: (Comes out of the ground)

_Artemis, Butler and Mulch look around cautiously finding the building empty. In the middle of the room they find the LEP helmet and the chair with broken rope around it._

**MULCH**: She escaped.

**ARTEMIS**: (sarcastically) thank you, Captain Obvious.

_Butler picks up the helmet and they leave._


	6. Chapter 6

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 6

_Holly is running with Tanith closing in behind her. Fletcher and Valkyrie appear before her. Valkyrie grabs Holly's arm and trips her. Holly stumbles before catching her balance and runs through the open gate to the cemetery. Fletcher teleports in front of Holly, she hits him messing up his hair, he disappears again._

**VALKYRIE**: Fletcher! YOU IDIOT!

**FLETCHER**: (reappears) Hey! (Disappears)

**VALKYRIE**: (groans and keeps running)

**HOLLY**: looks behind her and bashes into Mulch.

_Artemis is standing next to him._

**MULCH**: Have you seen a girl, under a metre tall, with chestnut hair and brown skin?

**HOLLY**: (sarcastically) would her name be Holly Short by any chance Mulch?

**MULCH**: (honestly confused) Yes, how did you know?

**HOLLY**: Can I hit you? Or on second thought punch you? Trouble taught me a new trick that I have been dying to try out. (wistful look)

**ARTEMIS**: Holly (impassive nod)

**MULCH**: Now how about those Tim Tams?

**HOLLY**: Stop thinking about your stomach, lets run!

**FLETCHER**: Not so fast, Shorty, you messed up my hair!

_Fletcher grabs Holly and Artemis by their arms, they disappear._

**FLETCHER**: _(Reappears in front of SP gang glaring at Valkyrie)_ and I'm not an idiot!


	7. Chapter 7

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 7

**BUTLER**: They took the bait.

**MULCH**: Now what?

**BUTLER**: Now? We just kick back and relax.

**MULCH**: Really?

**BUTLER**: (stares at him like his an idiot) No, we follow and watch.

**MULCH**: Oh.


	8. Chapter 8

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 8

_Two chairs are side by side. Holly and Artemis are tied up in them. _

_**SKULDUGGERY**__: (pacing in front of Holly and Artemis.) _Are you two working together?

**ARTEMIS**: Depends what you're asking about.

**VALKYRIE**: (fake excitement with underlying annoyance) it talks!

**TANITH**: It would appear so.

**ARTEMIS**: Of course I talk! I also speak several other languages fluently.

**SKULDUGGERY**: What is your name, and what is her name?

**ARTEMIS**: I am Trouble Kelp, and this is my sister Opal Koboi.

_Holly glares at Artemis and he smirks slightly so no one ells notices._

**VALKYRIE**: Um...

**SKULDUGGERY**: Yes?

**VALKYRIE**: (awkwardly) well you guys all said something, so I thought I should to.

**SKULDUGGERY**: You are so unprofessional.

**HOLLY**: (smothers a snicker)

**TANITH**: I agree with Opal here.

**ARTEMIS**: May we go now?

**SKULDUGGERY**: Go where?

**ARTEMIS**: Where do you think we would going Mars?

**SKULDUGGERY**: No, but it is possible.

**ARTEMIS**: Well we are not from mars; my mother is a maid at fowl manner. So can we go home now?

**SKULDUGGERY**: Sorry now is up so no.

**ARTEMIS**: Why?

**SKULDUGGERY**: because Opal still hasn't told me why she was trying to break into room Number 24 of the Midnight Hotel.

**ARTEMIS**: What's the Midnight Hotel?

**SKULDUGGERY**: Your sister was breaking into it.

**ARTEMIS**: That doesn't answer my question.

**SKULDUGGERY**: Yes it does.

**ARTEMIS**: No it doesn't.

**SKULDUGGERY**: What was your question again?

**ARTEMIS**: (sighs) what's the Midnight Hotel?

**SKULDUGGERY**: A hotel.

**ARTEMIS**: You aren't going to tell me are you?

**SKULDUGGERY**: Nope.

**ARTEMIS**: Okay.

**SKULDUGGERY**: (pout) you aren't going to argue?

**ARTEMIS**: No.

**SKULDUGGERY**: Oh. (looks sad)

_**FLEATCHER**__: (Appears)_

**VALKYRIE**: Can you get on with it? I want to be home for dinner!

**FLETCHER**: Are you _ever_ home for dinner?

**VALKYRIE**: Not usually. But I'd like to have something other than take-away for once.

**SKULDUGGERY**: No such luck, Valkyrie.

**ARTEMIS**: How do you just appear like that? Do you use a camouflage sheet or something? Why don't you just put it away? It's not like you need it right now. (frown)

_Everyone stares at him, including Holly._

**ARTEMIS**: What did I say?

**TANITH**: Oh my god... oh my GOD! He doesn't know!

**ARTEMIS**: Know what?!

**TANITH**: (high pitched girly voice) Oh. Em. _Gee_.

**VALKYRIE**: I am in _so_ much trouble.

**SKULDUGGERY**: Your parents are going to kill you.

**VALKYRIE**: No they- oh. Yeah.

**ARTEMIS**: (confused) what's going on?

**TANITH**: Absolutely nothing, you're free to go.

**SKULDUGGERY**: _WHAT?!_

**TANITH**: I guess you're _not_ free to go.

**SKULDUGGERY**: You've got that right.

_Butler and Mulch appear after pulling of some Cam-foil._

**VALKYRIE**: Where did they come from? I thought Fletcher was -

_**SKULDUGGERY**__: (clamps a hand over Valkyrie's mouth.)_

**TANITH**: Hey, they're freeing the guests!

_Valkyrie splays her hand at Mulch; he is pined to the ground. Skulduggery throws fire at Butler and Tanith moves against the wall._

**FLETCHER**_: (appears next to Tanith with popcorn and offers her some.) _Great show.

**TANITH**: Where'd you get the popcorn?

**FLETCHER**: France. Their popcorn's the best.

**TANITH**: (laughs)

**MULCH**: (disappears tunneling underground.)

**VALKYRIE**: (jumps and levitates) Skulduggery, he can dig like Sanguine!

**SKULDUGGERY**: Who?

**VALKYRIE**: The little hairy guy!

**SKULDUGGERY**: _(_Levitates_) _

**TANITH**: (runs forward to join the fight changing her mind she staryts to go back)

**MULCH**: (digs out of the ground, grabs Fletcher's leg)

**FLEATCHER**_: _(Disappears)

**VALKYRIE**: Where's the hairy guy?

**FLETCHER**: (reappears and points up)

**MULCH**: (falls through the air, dives into the ground like a swimmer into a pool.)

**VALKYRIE AND FLEATCHER**: (stare)

_**TANITH**__: _(yells and disappearing underground)

**VALKYRIE**: Tanith! I am going to _kill_ that guy if he hurts her!

_Valkyrie and Fletcher peer down the hole Mulch left in his wake. Butler grabs Holly and Artemis and jumps down another one of Mulch's holes. Skulduggery looks down the hole too. They hear talking. Butler climbs out of the hole behind them, wraps an arm around Valkyrie's neck, and pushes Skulduggery down the hole. Fletcher teleports and Valkyrie passes out._


	9. Chapter 9

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 9

_Skulduggery falls down the hole to be caught by Fletcher then immediately dropped. Fletcher looks around to see a small cave, then teleports away when Mulch walks towards him. Mulch eats Skulduggery then spits him out, sleeping like a baby and sucking his thumb. _

**MULCH**: (laughs at Skulduggery then calls up to Butler) Have you got the other girl?

**BUTLER**: Yes.

_Mulch scrambles up the hole, followed by Holly and Artemis. Butler jumps down the hole to get Skulduggery and Tanith, who are both lying unconscious in the cave. Butler carries them up and the others help him to put Skulduggery, Tanith and Valkyrie in their car._


	10. Chapter 10

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 10

_Commander Trouble Kelp gets out of the shuttle in Atlantis. A prison guard runs out to greet him and takes him into a room inside the prison. As the door closes behind him he sees Opal Koboi sitting at the table._

**OPAL**: Hello, Trouble.

**TROUBLE**: Hello Opal. (gulps nervously)


	11. Chapter 11

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 11

_Butler, Holly, Artemis, Mulch and Foaly are tying Tanith, Valkyrie and Skulduggery to chairs with steel ropes. Tanith, Valkyrie and Skulduggery start to wake up._

**VALKYRIE**: Wow, a centaur! That's awesome! (Looks at Skulduggery accusingly) Why didn't you tell me these exist?

**SKULDUGGERY**: (in his sleep) Valkywie, Valkywie, save me...

**TANITH**: (whistles 'love is in the air')

**VALKYRIE**: (snickers)

**SKULDUGGERY**: (Skulduggery wakes up.) What's the joke?

**TANITH**: You were sleep-talking.

**VALKYRIE**: (imitates Skulduggery) Valkywie, Valkywie, save me, the skeletons will get me (bursts out laughing)

**SKULDUGGERY**: (Looks around) I'm just going to ignore you.

_Skulduggery sees the people from the Artemis Fowl books._

**SKULDUGGERY**: Who_ are _you people?

**MULCH**: Who are _you_?

**SKULDUGGERY**: (turns to the others) Should we tell the truth?

**VALKYRIE**: Depends how far into the truth you'll go.

**SKULDUGGERY**: Can you give a straight answer for once?

**VALKYRIE**: Can you?

**SKULDUGGERY**: That's _me_, not you and I am _special_.

**VALKYRIE**: I got it off you.

**HOLLY**: (scowl) Can you guys go back to sleep?

**SKULDUGGERY**: Not willingly.

**ARTEMIS**: Good, because we need to question you.

**TANITH**: (Pretends to be asleep)

**ARTEMIS**: Why did you kidnap Holly?

**VALKYRIE**: Who's Holly?

**HOLLY**: (steps forward) me.

**VALKYRIE**: Oh.

**ARTEMIS**: Why did you kidnap Holly?

**SKULDUGGERY**: (impatiently) She was trying to break into the Midnight Hotel.

**FOALY**: What's the Midnight Hotel?

**VALKYRIE**: (sighs shaking head sadly) not again.

**SKULDUGGERY**: It's…. a pink floating castle.

**FOALY**: (Sceptically) Really?

**SKULDUGGERY**: Of course not!

**FOALY**: Well then what is it?

**SKULDUGGERY**: A hotel.

**ARTEMIS**: He's not going to tell you.

**SKULDUGGERY**: He's right.

**ARTEMIS**: (steps forward again) Why did you kidnap Holly?

**VALKYRIE**: (mutters) Back to square one.

**ARTEMIS**: Actually, square zero. Who _are_ you?

**SKULDUGGERY**: Skulduggery.

**PIXIE**: (runs in) Captain Short, Captain Short! Come quickly, there's a message from Atlantis!

_Holly leaves._

**SKULDUGGERY**: Isn't she a bit young to be in the police force?

**MULCH**: She's older than you, Skull-pluggery.

**SKULDUGGERY**: Oh really? (raises an eyebrow) and I will get you back for the skull-pluggery comment.

**VALKYRIE**: Don't be ridiculous! She's barely twenty!

**FOALY**: That's what _you_ think.

**VALKYRIE**: How old is she then?

**MULCH**: Eight-

**ARTEMIS**: (interrupts) shut up Mulch.

**VALKYRIE**: Holly is eight? That's _way_ too young!

**MULCH**: She's eighty four, not eight!

_Artemis, Foaly and Butler glare at Mulch._

**MULCH**: Well she is!

**BUTLER**: They weren't supposed to know!

**MULCH**: Oops...

**VALKYRIE**: How can she be that old? She's practically a child!

**ARTEMIS**: We'll answer your questions if you'll answer ours!

**TANITH**: Ask them first!

**ARTEMIS**: What are your names and why did you kidnap Holly?

**TANITH**: I'm Tanith, and this is Valkyrie. Now who are you?

**ARTEMIS**: I am Artemis Fowl, and this is Mulch Diggums and Butler.

**SKULDUGGERY**: We've already told you why we kidnapped Holly! She was trying to break into the Midnight Hotel!

**ARTEMIS**: And what _is_ the Midnight hotel?

**VALKYRIE**: It's a _hotel_! Seriously! Where are we?

**ARTEMIS**: That question is off-limits.

**VALKYRIE**: Fine. _What_ are you?

**ARTEMIS**: I am a criminal mastermind, _he_, (points to Mulch), is a small human being, and Butler is my bodyguard. What are _you_?

**VALKYRIE**: I am _also_ a human being. And he sure_ is_ small.

**SKULDUGGERY**: A detective…

**TANITH**: I am a professional trouble-maker.

**ARTEMIS**: That's sort of what I am too.

**VALKYRIE**: Wow, if Tanith didn't like Ghastly, you two could be a couple.

_Artemis ignores her._

**MULCH**: Wow. Does that mean I can tease you about Holly now?

**ARTEMIS**: Shut up.

**MULCH**:

(singing)

_Holly and Artemis, sitting in the past,_

_K – I – S – S … _Uh, what rhymes with past?

**FOALY**: You're lucky Holly isn't here or you'd find yourself on the way to the moon.

**MULCH**: Can she really do that?

**FOALY**: (boastfully) only with my help.

**SKULDUGGERY**: How would he find himself on the moon? _(Cocks head to side)_

**ARTEMIS**: There's a lot of ways that could happen.

**TANITH**: Well, you could levitate him, send him on a rocket, launch him from cannon,_ or_ you could kick him _really_ hard.

**FOALY**: The first and last are impossible_, _and maybe the third one too.

**TANITH**: (shrugs) If you say so.

**FOALY**: (walks away muttering) that's a good idea, a cannon to launch Mulch to the moon...

**TANITH**: (laughs) that was a joke.

**MULCH**: Hey, love-birds, we're supposed to be questioning each other.

**TANITH**: (threateningly) Who are you calling love-birds?

**VALKYRIE**: (smiles dryly) I'm warning you, don't upset her.

**MULCH**: (backs up) Hey, no offence meant, no offence meant.

**TANITH**: (vampire smile) Better not be.

**MULCH**: (shudders at the vampire-ness of her smile.)

**VALKYRIE**: Hey, Arty-boy, just _what_ is going on here?

**ARTEMIS**: (scowl) don't call me Arty, it's _Artemis_.

**TANITH**: but honestly what _is_ going on here?

**ARTEMIS**: You kidnapped Holly so _we_ kidnapped _you_ to ask why.

**VALKYRIE**: So what now? I'm _bored_.

_Holly bursts through the door._

**HOLLY**: Where's Foaly?

**ARTEMIS**: (concerned) What's wrong?

**VALKYRIE**: He's inventing a cannon that can blow Mulch to the moon.

**HOLLY**: (snappish) shut up girl. (To Artemis {distressed}) I've been named temporary Commander. Opal has killed Commander Kelp.

**MULCH**: What?! I'm doomed.

**TANITH**: You sure are, horsey gonna blow you to the moon.

**HOLLY**: (shocked out of worrying) …Why?

**VALKYRIE**:

He was saying stuff about you and Arty-boy here. In fact, his exact words were:  
(singing)

Holly and Artemis sitting in the past,

K – I – S – S

And then he stopped.

**HOLLY**: (turns to Mulch) you said _what_?!

**MULCH**: Actually, I didn't say what. I said what she said I said.

**HOLLY**: (calls out) Foaly, have you invented that cannon yet?

**FOALY**: Working on it Captain.

**HOLLY**: That's _Commander_ to you.

**FOALY**: (Rushes out) what? You're Commander? But what about Commander Kelp?

**HOLLY**: (Looks down in sadness) temporary Commander. Commander Kelp is dead. Opal Koboi killed him.

**FOALY**: (Hangs his head as well) Trouble was a good man, a good man.

**HOLLY**: And now we have to find Opal. She's escaped from prison.

**MULCH**: Do you need my wonderful talents?

**HOLLY**: (scowl) of annoyingness? No. Of digging skills? Maybe. Of farting? Definitely not.

**MULCH**: Be kind to the behind.

**FOALY**: (sarcastically) How charming. Rhymes about butts.

_Mulch, Foaly and Holly walk out the door. Remembering that they have prisoners, Artemis stays behind._

**SKULDUGGERY**: What about us?

**ARTEMIS**: What about you?

**VALKYRIE**: You can't just leave us here.

**ARTEMIS**: Technically I can.

**VALKYRIE**: You sound like Skulduggery.

**SKULDUGGERY**: I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult.

**ARTEMIS**: I'm not entirely sure either.

**SKULDUGGERY**: If he sounded like me that would be a compliment to him, because I am so great, but if _I_ sounded like _him_, then it would be an insult to me because I _like_ sounding like myself.

**VALKYRIE**: And again, can you _ever_ give a straight answer?

**SKULDUGGERY**: Maybe.

**ARTEMIS**: Stop doing that!

**SKULDUGGERY**: My sincerest apologies.

**VALKYRIE**: He doesn't mean it.

**TANITH**: She's probably right.

**ARTEMIS**: (sigh)


	12. Chapter 12

Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 12

**MULCH**: Shouldn't we wait for Arty?

**HOLLY**: Shut up

**MULCH**: You sound...

**HOLLY**: Shhh, I heard something.

_Explosion. Holly, Mulch and Foaly get thrown of their feet. Holly's helmet gets knocked of her head._

**OPAL**: (over loud speakers) Holly dear, I thought you might like to know that I have little Arty and that weird girl too.

_Holly, Mulch and Foaly run back to the room to see every thing the exact same._

**VALKYRIE**: Hey, you're back.

**HOLLY**: You're still here. (frowning)

**SKULDUGGERY**: It would appear so.

**FOALY**: Opal must be losing her touch.

**MULCH**: Quite a bit of her touch.

**VALKYRIE**: Can you untie us now?

**HOLLY**: I suppose so...

**TANITH**: I object!

_Everyone turns and looks at her._

**TANITH**: I just felt like saying something. Untie us please.

**SKULDUGGERY**: I have said it once and I will way it again. You are so unprofessional.

_Valkyrie laughs._

**TANITH**: (waves hand dismissively) Yeah, yeah, I know.

**VALKYRIE**: Can you untie us now?

_Holly unties Skulduggery, Tanith and Valkyrie._

**ARTEMIS**: We will have to blindfold you to leave.

**MULCH**: Hey! I just had a great idea! Why don't these people help us find Opal? Since they're already here?

**HOLLY**: No.

**ARTEMIS**: Maybe... that's actually not a bad idea.

**FOALY**: That's the first good idea you've ever had.

**MULCH**: (turns to Holly) Sorry, you're out voted.

**HOLLY**: (scowl) Fine.

**MULCH**: Great. (Claps hands)

**VALKYRIE**: Wait, what are we doing?

**MULCH**: Helping us track down a very pretty evil deranged pixie.

**TANITH**: A pixie? Aren't they, like, little people with wings?

**HOLLY**: _Mulch!_

**MULCH**: (sheepishly) Sorry.

**SKULDUGGERY**: Okay, no more secrets. It will be easier for everyone. What are you really?

**MULCH**: I'm a dwarf. (Strikes a pose looking proud)

**ARTEMIS**: The rest of us are what we look like. A centaur, a criminal mastermind, and a bodyguard.

**VALKYRIE**: I'm a human. But I'm also an Elemental and Necromancer. Like so.

(Conjures flames in one hand and water in the other.)

**TANITH**: I'm an Adept. But I specialise in fighting.

**SKULDUGGERY**: (taps his collar and his facade melts off.) I'm a skeleton. And an Elemental.

**FOALY**: No. No, not possible.

**ARTEMIS**: How do you... with the fire and water?

**VALKYRIE**: Magic. (creepy smile)

**HOLLY**: (with a sigh) I'm really an elf.

**SKULDUGGERY**: (nods) Can we make a few phone calls? The more people you have the better.

**HOLLY**: No.

**ARTEMIS**: Actually, yes. I hacked into their phones so they won't be able to say anything suspicious.

**HOLLY**: (sigh) okay then.

**VALKYRIE**: (pulls out mobile and takes a picture sending it) Fletcher will be here shortly.

_Fletcher appears._

**FLETCHER**: Hi.

**HOLLY**: Ah! D'Arvit!

**FLETCHER**: Come on, I don't look _that _bad.

**VALKYRIE**: Fletcher you idiot.

**FLEACHER**: I thought we agreed that I am not an idiot?

**ARTEMIS**: How does he do that?

**VALKYRIE**: He's a Teleported.

**ARTEMIS**: Meaning?

**VALKYRIE**: He can move from place to place without actually doing anything.

**ARTEMIS**: Right.

**HOLLY**: If we're all ready, let's go.

_Valkyrie looks at Skulduggery._

**VALKYRIE**: Do we want Mr Bliss, China, Ghastly, anyone else?

**SKULDUGGERY**: China and Ghastly won't fight, but they might help. Mr Bliss might fight if we gave him something.

**VALKYRIE**: I think he'll help.

_Skulduggery takes out his phone and rings Mr Bliss. A few minutes later, he hangs up._

**SKULDUGGERY**: Fletcher, get Mr Bliss.

**FLETCHER**: But-

**SKULDUGGERY**: Now.

_Fletcher teleports, grumbling, then reappears with Mr Bliss._

**HOLLY**: D'Arvit!

**MULCH**: If you say that one more time, I am going to paint D'Arvit over your chest, in big capital letters.

**HOLLY**: It would not be the first time.

**MULCH**: What do you mean it would not be the first time.

**HOLLY**: Well I was on traffic duty and had a run in with a fish smuggler. Cutting a long story short. I got covered in gel swore just as the circet shorted out, so it was stuck on my chest.

**MULCH**: (eagerly) then what?

**HOLLY**: Root called me in for my test to join LEPrecon…

**FOALY**: (rolling on the floor laughing) I could just imagine Julius's face. You never put that in your report. Wandering around an island with D'Arvit on your chest. (Foaly laughs even harder)

**FLEATCHER**: What does D'Arvit mean?

**ARTEMIS**: It is the fairy equivalent to a swear word


End file.
